Do Women Need Sex Therapy?

"I wish my husband would take a chill pill so I can be left alone," a patient of mine recently lamented.  She was talking about the difference in their sexual desires; he wants sex more often than she does.  Compared to his sexual drive, she felt hers was inadequate. Some feminists discern it as the opposite way; compared to her sexual drive, his would appear excessive.

Some argue that the diagnosis of Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD) in females should be disputed and that sex therapy for women with low libidos serves only to make them believe that they are at fault or have problems.  However, HSDD is real and affects scores of women.  HSDD if not treated hurts relationships.

After ruling out any possible underlying physical and psychological causes to this kind of sexual dysfunction, as a relational psychotherapist I approach this with the viewpoint that it is not specifically his or her problem. Rather, it is an issue of the couple. It happens that their sexual desires are at times mismatched. I encourage the couple to work together as a team, exploring options that would help make their sexual desires compatible. This approach usually brings great relief to the partner with lower sexual desire and enables the partner with the higher desire feel more included in the sexual decision making process.  Finger-pointing and blaming one another is significantly reduced.  Each partner is allowed to work intersubjectively with one another. By experiencing the other's viewpoints and emotions, a stronger bond is created.

Women with lower sex drive are more common than men. There are few cases that I had where the woman is the partner with higher sex drive and her husband was the one with the lower sex drive.  I apply the same principal of this being a couple issue. This is not to deny that there are special circumstances that may lead to the individual sexual desire difficulty. I address this on an individual basis with the goal of bringing the couple later to work together.